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Here are some of the best (clean and not offensive) jokes I've read on the Internet connected to Newcastle United:
The Fahrenheit temperature scale
50ºF- Southerners turn on their heating. People in Newcastle plant their gardens.
40ºF- Southerners shiver uncontrollably. People in Newcastle sunbathe
35ºF- Southerners cars won't start. People in Newcastle drive with the windows down.
20ºF- Southerners wear coats, gloves and wool hats. People in Newcastle throw on a T-shirt (girls start wearing mini skirts).
15ºF- Southerners begin to evacuate. People in Newcastle go swimming in the North Sea.
0ºF- Southern landlords turn up the heat. People in Newcastle have the last barbecue before it starts to get cold.
-10ºF- Southerners cease to exist. People in Newcastle throw on a lightweight jacket.
-80ºF- Polar bears wonder if its worth it. Boy scouts in Newcastle wear long trousers.
-100ºF- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Newcastle put on their long johns
-173ºF- Alcohol freezes. People in Newcastle become frustrated because the pubs are shut
-297ºF- Microbial life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle Town Moor complain of vets with cold hands
-460ºF- All atomic motion stops. People in Newcastle start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.
-500ºF- Hell freezes over. Sunderland qualify for Europe.
Whats the difference between a toothpick and Sunderland?
A toothpick has more points.
Sunderland have just signed a top Chinese international for 5 million pounds: WY ME
Someone asked me the other day, what time do Sunderland kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.
Howard Wilkinson was caught speeding on his way to the Stadium of Light today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said.
What does the Stadium of Light and Mars have in common?
They both have no atmosphere.
Howard Wilkinson is having trouble coaching his players to the standard of the Premiership, so he goes to see Arsene Wenger. The Arsenal manager tell him that he trains his players mentally as well as physically.
He calls over Dennis Bergkamp and says, "Dennis, If you have a brother, whos your brothers brother?"
Dennis replies, "It's me!"
Arsene tells Howard to do the same to his players, so the next day in training, Wilko goes up to Kevin Phillips and asks him the same question. Kevin gets stuck, so Wilko tells him he can have the night to think of an answer.
Kevin is really worried so he decides to ask Claudio Reyna, him being a foreigner like Arsene and Bergkamp.
Arca says, "Well that's simple. It's me"
So, the next day Kevin runs up to Howard and says, with a big grin on his face, "It's Reyna, it's Reyna"
And Wilkinson goes, "No, no, no, you stupid boy. It's Dennis Bergkamp!"
Newcastle are about to play Sunderland and Alan Shearer tells the rest of the Newcastle team to take the afternoon off as he will take on the Mackems on his own.
The Mags thanked him and went down to the pub for a couple of pints. They switched on Teletext to follow his progress. 26th minute 1-0 to Newcastle, scorer Shearer. Second half starts and in the 85th minute, 1-1 appears scorer Phillips. The game ended 1-1. When Shearer gets back to the pub the boys asked him how he could only manage a draw against the Mackems and he replied. "Sorry lads I got sent off after half an hour."
Two Mackems walking round Newcastle when they stop at a shop and look inside the window. One Mackem says to the other, "Look shirts £1 , Quilts £1.50, sheets, 50p. Its so cheap here, I am going to buy loads and sell them in Sunderland." So in he walks and goes to buy 20 shirts, quilts and sheets. The lady at the counter says "You're a Mackem aren't you?", to which he replies "How do you know?" The lady says "This is a dry cleaners."
What have Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Sunderland got in common?
Newcastle: Woodgate
Middlesbrough: Southgate
Sunderland: Relegate
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